Jordan rested well over the weekend. She’s moving around the house skillfully and finding new and inventive ways to occupy her time. She wanted to clean all day Sunday. It was an obsession. I can’t say there was any joy in it. It seems to be more of a compulsion than a way to pass the time. I think she wants to prove to herself what she can still do.
I haven’t written much in recent days. Ordinarily, writing helps me process and purge. Throughout Jordan’s illness, writing offered a refuge. But in the these last few days, words are hard to muster. I am desensitized–numb. I think we all are. We are relieved that Jordan is home and that she is awake again. But it doesn’t really feel like she’s completely back. A part of her is missing. Smiles are hard to coax from her. Her words are all a jumble. Sometimes, what she says is completely nonsensical, but what she means is perfectly sane. She told me I was the “oldest birthday in my family.” What she meant was that I was the only brother. When she said this, her face revealed her frustration. She doesn’t let it stop her, though. And that is something to celebrate.
We are grateful to our many friends. So many of you have wanted to help and have proffered prayers and well-wishes. Our family has been very guarded in these recent days. We’ve placed ourselves in isolation. I’m not sure why we’ve chosen to handle our grief and our anxiety this way this time. We feel blessed by the love and support around us, even if we haven’t been the most accessible. Thank you.